


The Asgardians who Wanted a King

by Weaselwoman



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Footnotes, Gen, Marvel Cinematic Universe Bible, Marvel Cinematic Universe behind the scenes, Spoilers!, aesop, references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 22:01:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14506383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weaselwoman/pseuds/Weaselwoman
Summary: (After Aesop)Spoilers for Thor: The Dark WorldSpoilers for Thor: RagnarokSpoilers for Avengers: Infinity War (Chapter 3 only)





	1. You have seen Thor: Ragnarok, right?

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom called Asgard that had lost its royal family. King Odin was in the Odinsleep; Queen Frigga had died fighting the dark elves; Prince Loki had died _defeating_ the dark elves; and Prince Thor had left them for Midgard and its wenches.

“O Gods and Goddesses of Marvel Studio,” the Asgardians prayed, “Please send us a King! The other realms depend on us, and we are helpless without a single voice to rule all. So please send us a King!”

The High God Kevin told his underlings: “Asgard needs a King. See that they have one, but do not disturb the Great Marvel Bible, which governs our actions for the next decade or more.” And an intern responded, “What if Odin wakes from his sleep?” And the God Taika said, “What if it’s really Loki? Death doesn’t seem to slow him down much.” And the High God Kevin said, “Make it so.”

So Odin* said that he had woken from the Odinsleep; and moreover said that his dead son Loki** had saved all Asgard from the dark elves*** when he died.****

*(really Loki)

**(really himself)

***(kinda true)

****(not really)

 

“Let us declare a year of mourning for Loki, our savior!” The false Odin proclaimed to his council. “Then let us declare a year of rejoicing that he died to save us! We will build a giant gold statue in his honor. At the end of the second year, we will have a week-long festival of rejoicing, with the greatest bards to write his tale, and the greatest actors to demonstrate it, so that all future generations will know that Loki saved us!”

But one of them asked, “Shall we ask the other eight realms to join us in mourning?”

And wise Hogun† said, “In his life, Loki almost destroyed Jotunheim. He emptied Swartalfheim and waged war with Midgard. The other realms may jeer if they are asked to honor Loki. They may instead cheer at his death.”

†(Ambassador from Vanaheim. This is why he was in Asgard when Hela attacked.)

 

“Well, we can’t have that,” Odin said, and made a rude face at Hogun. “Close the Rainbow Bridge. Asgard shall mourn privately.”

And so it was: a year of mourning and rent garments, then a year of rejoicing and partying. Bards came to the palace weekly, compete for the best telling of Loki’s story; they were all promised gold (but never saw any of it). After a year and six months, companies of actors arrived as well, choosing among the plays and practicing their lines before the king. Odin did not choose the best actors (who might convey how complex and slippery Loki was in real life), but instead selected a company from the far south of the realm‡, whose broad acting painted Loki’s heroic sacrifice in bright colors.

‡(that is, New Zealand)

 

The statue rose and was dedicated; the people partied all the second year. And the other realms were neglected, forgotten.

***

At the great festival at the end of the second year, Thor came back to Asgard (yay!), confronted Odin (boo!), and revealed him to the Asgardians as LOKI! (wait, what?) Thor took their erstwhile king to Midgard.

The Asgardians had no king. The neglected realms were an unhappy mess as well.


	2. Now what?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Asgardians have no king. The neglected realms are an unhappy mess as well. Now what?

Again, the Asgardians had no king. They were left with a realm-wide after-party mess to clean up, and a bunch of realms who no longer respected them. This was bad.

 

Once again they prayed to the Marvel Gods. “O great Marvel Studios! Please send us another king. The last one was, frankly, a bit of a bust. We would like this time an _active_ king, who can smite our enemies and persuade the realms to obey us. We want to be famous and ruthless again. Please, send us another king!”

The God Taika said, “Shall we send them the Hulk?”

But the High God Kevin consulted the Marvel Bible and said that would overly complicate the plot.

The intern complained, “We sent them a perfectly fine king last time. They are ingrates!”

“Oh?” said the High God Kevin. “What would you do?”

“I’d smite them,” said the intern, whose name was Eric. “We still need to introduce a strong villain in this story.”

“Hmm,” said the High God Kevin. “Make it so.”

“Wait,” said the (new) God Eric. I’ve been reading _Good Omens_. The villain needs a dog.”

“You can have that,” said the High God Kevin. “Tell the CGI team to make it so.”

 

And so the Asgardians welcomed King Hela, who was instead a mighty Queen in the spirit of Elizabeth the First of England, and her mighty pet Fenrir. Queen Hela was not impressed, and made her displeasure known.

“Perhaps,” said Heimdall in his exile, “King Loki was not so bad after all.”

***

And then Prince Thor returned to battle King/Queen Hela.

And then Prince/King Loki returned with a large space ship to rescue the people of Asgard. “You see?” he said, “I am your savior!”

But Thor became king instead, and the spaceship with the Asgardian people flew towards Midgard to find a new home. But then…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter has Infinity War SPOILERS! You’ve been warned.


	3. Avengers: Infinity War Spoilers.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (See Chapter title.)

But then a more powerful King, Thanos, made his presence known. The space ship was broken apart. Many Asgardians died (possibly including now-just-Prince-again Loki), but since King Thor demonstrated that Asgardians can survive in vacuum, perhaps some other Asgardians lived.

 

The moral is: Be happy with what you have (said Aesop); or …

          Don’t try to muck with the overall Marvel plot.

 

**A/Ns and references:**

The structure of this little tale is that of Aesop’s fable _,_ “The Frogs who Wanted a King.”

Marvel Gods: Taika Waititi (director), Eric Pearson (first listed writer), _Thor: Ragnarok_ ; High God Kevin Feige.

_Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch_ ; by (P)Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, is now being developed as a BBC television series.

Queen Elizabeth the First of England was played by Cate Blanchett ( _Hela_ ) in _Elizabeth: The Golden Age_ (2007).

Hela’s dog is, of course, the Fenris wolf.


End file.
